Healing from abuse

A warm welcome...

2011-11-15T06:11:00.001Z

... to Jan ~ great that you have joined us and I hope you will find what you are looking for!

I have been singing over the bones

2011-11-15T04:00:00.000Z

Yesterday was an astonishing day:
Early in the morning I had a doctors appointment for a full body check as I struggle more and more with my joint pains, diarrhea, headaches and exhaustion. I had to go to another doctor as mine is away having had a baby. I felt safe with the man but it still was difficult for me to be examined by one. But I trusted him. I had a really bad pain when he touched where the colon is on my right side right down at my hip bone. So he transferred me to the bowel specialist. When I went home I felt somehow strange but it did not seem to be anything bad.

I had to talk to the credit card people because I needed to get my monthly payment down which always means major stress for me. I hate talking on the phone and I hate even more to talk to "official" people especially if it is a man. I also got an email which distressed me enormously.

I was proud of myself to have managed the whole lot and started getting ready for work when suddenly out of no where I started shaking and crying. I could not stop myself; it got worse and worse. I realised I was not able to go work so I called and luckily got through to personnel directly. I could just cry that I could not come to work and put the phone down and went to bed shaking like with high fever, hyperventilating, sobbing my soul out. Luckily the lady at personnel told my partner who came back and made sure I was ok. Gave me a cup of tea, hot water bottle and when I had calmed down he went back to work.

I was shocked! Did not see that one coming. Was not prepared at all for it. Have not had a bad one like that since.... I do not know when. Probably ten years ago or so. Am still exhausted. My head swims a bit and all my bones, joints and muscles ache like a lorry has driven over me. It was out of no where and I still am not quite sure what triggered it.

When I lay in bed I suddenly saw myself sitting in a cave. To the right was the entrance and I could see a sunlit beechwood. To my left there was a big boulder and someone was crying behind. A little girl's head peeked around scared. I smiled at her and opened my arms and she ran into them hugging me. She crawled into my arms and fell asleep. I sat there cradling her being grateful for her trust.

Then I heard another noise and a teenage girl came around the boulder. She stood there looking angry, her hair in uproar and her arms bracing herself. I said "hello" to her but she hissed at me" You do not want to know me!" I recognised the rage and said" Your anger is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened and what is happening to you. You have a right to it!" which calmed her down and she came and sat beside me leaning her head on my shoulder. We sat there for a while when I heard a heartbreaking sobbing kind of sound from behind that boulder.

I got up with the little one in my arms who did not wake up. The teenager took my hand and we walked behind the boulder. There was a pile of faded girls clothes and a girls skeleton and behind it a little fire burning. We do not know where the sound came from. The little one woke up and had a teddy bear in her arms which she laid in the girls arms. The teenager went around that skeleton and took the head in her lap. I sat down beside her and the little one hold her hand over the girls heart. And I started singing a native American chant I have learned some years ago: "return, return, return, return: the earth, the water, the fire and the air". I raised my hands over the skeleton when I sang "the earth" and it started to become a body again. When I sang "the water" the teenager started crying and her tears were like a soft waterfall on the body being born. When I sang "the fire" the fire in the back burned a bit more and when I sang "the air" a soft breeze came from the entrance of the cave. I sang over and over again until the skeleton was no more but a young woman stood there ~ powerful, strong, beautiful and healthy and she said: " We will not let them in any more! From now on we protect our boundaries!"

La Loba by Clarissa Pinkola-Estes p 26 ~ 28 Women who run with the wolves

Picture thanks to pareeerica

Destiny's Child ~ The Story Of Beauty

2011-11-14T09:04:00.001Z

And another famous band who tells a story about abuse. A story so many of us have lived ~ it is not just fiction or a song!

If you want to see the lyrics please go to: http://www.aswaterspassingby.org/thestoryof.html

Links and Video thanks to http://www.youtube.com & http://www.aswaterspassingby.org

A warm welcome ....

2011-11-14T05:59:00.001Z

..... to Bongo. It is great to have you here!!!!!

An incident....

2011-11-12T10:52:00.001Z

..... in autumn 2000 brought everything back though.

I was walking the dog and from far saw a man standing his hands in his pants. As I came closer he took them out closed everything came up to me and asked me if I minded that he was wanking. I did not know what to do, stayed in the conversation out of politeness but was evasive in my answers. In the end I just left but was really confused. I did not know how to react, just to leave it and make jokes or what to do. Later on I talked to my husband and a friend and both said:" Tell the police!" Which I did in the end. I had to go there as a rapist was around and they wanted me to identify someone. I did go and it was like in the movies. We came another way than the guy and we saw him though a glass window him not seeing us. It was not the guy who talked to me and I never found out what happened in the end.

Then the nightmare started again. All the agony came back in full force and I got panic attacks out of nowhere. I realised that telling someone about an incident like that had not a normal significance for me. I started thinking about what happened to me and I wondered if I ever told someone. I remembered that when my mum had passed away people from the authorities came along to check on us and I wondered why. Today I think it was just that my father got funding for someone looking after my brother and me when he was away working and they checked if it was used properly but I do not really know why. A few years later I tried to contact that office but never got an answer as to what happened then.

I remembered that I started soiling myself at the age of 7 or 8. I hid my underwear but of course it got found and I got hit for it by my father. I remembered how terrified I was. I also remembered when ever my granny was with us I developed a stomach ache and sickness and she made tea. One night I was sitting beside our oven that heated the water and I strayed into another world. I just started to blend out reality. It was not that I developed a kind of landscape or setting that I saw but three characters or maybe other identities. Two were women one was a man. They were not children. I can remember talking to them but not what exactly what we were talking about and what they did. But we were talking. At the age of 11 or 12 I visited meetings of the local church and decided to become a born again Christian and it felt like these identities were bad or sinful so started to black them out.

Thinking of this time still makes me feel upset. So much struggle, so much pain, so much desperation and no way out.

I was not able any more to work self-employed. I gave it up and started delivering newspapers as I felt the need to at least have a few pennies for myself. And again I tried to get counselling. I went to see a psychiatrist an elderly man who just sat there and listened. When I finished he smiled at me and said:" You need help don't you?" and I started crying and said "yes". Something hard inside myself broke at that moment. He gave me the numbers of several therapist trained in working with survivors. I chose one but had to wait a while until I got appointments. I also chose someone about 30 miles away from where I lived. I had the feeling I needed this distance to be able to work things through. Which was a good decision.

At the same time I got more and more trouble with my husband. He did not believe me even though he did not say. We distanced ourselves from each other more and more but suffered both terribly. There were nice times too as we like to have friends around for our birthday or we invited friends for new years eve and had dinner together. We were really good in making them feel welcomed but it somehow was a fake thing. By 2001 I nearly left him but he threatened to kill himself and so we decided to have counselling for couples.

So much hard work. So much hard work. It still drains my energies to think about this path I chose. And I think I do not need to wonder why I am exhausted all the time. It was such hard work.

I stayed without a counsellor....

2011-11-11T20:36:00.001Z

..... for a while but I do not deal very well with major life changes. In that particular year I finished my professional education, started to work self-employed, moved to another place and got married. At the end of that year I felt the need to be on my own for a few days and went to a monastery close by.

I did not take part in their religious rituals but took time to have a look where I stood, connect with my spiritual self and just relax. The realisation that there was something deeply wrong and something deeply disturbing in my childhood made me decide to find another counsellor. That was 1997/98.

This lady knew more about abuse and was able to handle my emotions with calm and she gave me guidance that I was seeking. For the first time I remembered what my father was doing but I still were not able to accept what it meant for me.

I was drawing and writing besides counselling and reading. I wrote poems and stories about my feelings of pain, anger, frustration, fear. Most of it all pain and fear. It felt highly helpful to give these feelings words after many many years of hiding everything. My counsellor's understanding gave me the possibility to reach these feelings. But they upset me, panicked me, my whole life was in uproar. At one point it got too much and I had to stop. I had to stop counselling, the reading, just everything that had to do with abuse.

I concentrated on my work, tried to live a normal life with my then husband, tried to make friends but I just felt out of place. Totally out of place. And my subconscious was still working on it. Looking back to that now it seems like I had to bring it to conscious, accept a bit of it and then pause and let it rest, grow and work to be ready for the next stage.

My first counsellor outside university....

2011-11-10T08:03:00.000Z

..... had just finished her training and I think she had trouble to deal with my emotions. I did not feel very secure with her and I just scraped on the top of everything. But we moved away anyway after my practical year. There is one image that stayed in my mind though that she used about fears and unhelpful behaviour: She said something like they keep coming back like ants and they will challenge you as long as you find the right "antidote" but you have to keep doing that. It won't stop just with using it once.

Well that is exactly my experience. From an early stage on I always had that wish or thought that you do counselling you understand what happens and it will be good. It does not work like that really!
It is more like a seed that you plant in soil that has been neglected for many many years. You have to prep up the soil, feed and water the seed, protect it against bugs, wind maybe rain. It is a lot of work and being nurturing and it needs time. But it is definitely worth it!

A warm welcome....

2011-11-10T07:44:00.002Z

to Leah and Floridancing! It is good to have you here and I hope you find what you are looking for!

Thanks to JeffsSong and Rachel.....

2011-11-09T09:08:00.000Z

Thanks to JeffsSong and Rachel for their feedback on my last post. It was definitely the most difficult to write about as it is still so much connected with my feelings of guilt and shame. It is helpful to know that others experienced the same and also to have some prayers to back the healing process. Thank you guys!!!!!

Well these memories did not leave me alone. No matter how much I tried, they came and left me as they pleased. I tried to avoid them, make sense of it, integrate them but I was not there yet. A bit later I left home to study Social Work. Abuse was the hip theme then as more and more people spoke out and it became obvious that it is a much bigger problem in Europe as well as in the whole world. There were more and more courses about it but I did not take part. Something kept me from doing so. I still was not really aware that I have been a survivor that came some time later. These courses felt dangerous. Really dangerous and I just followed my inner wisdom. Which was good because I was not ready for it yet but it became obvious that I suffered from depression and therefore I took advantage of the universities counsellor.

The first problem I could work on was my mother's illness and death which caused me deep trauma. The lady was a therapist for a long time and gave me a feeling of security and for the first time someone seemed to understand what I was going through. For the first time someone did not just pity me or blankly denied my feelings. To have this respect for myself was important. As I could not respect my feelings yet it helped that there was someone who could.

I was reading books then closely related to the topic though. Two stayed in mind: I never promised you a rose garden by Hanna Green and The Flock by Joan Fr. Casey and Lynn Wilson. They stirred something in me. It felt like they spoke about my reality but it also felt so surreal and wrong. I left it with that.

I finished my studies with the help of the counsellor and went to do my practical year in a home for disabled people. One of the employees abused a girl there and my boss a survivor herself organised a information course. We all had to take part and I had a breakdown afterwards because I realised I was one of them. Suddenly the feelings I had when making love for the first time, the resolve in taking part in those courses at university and the memories suddenly made sense. I was shaking, running around in our staff room like maniac, everything blurry. My boss came and asked what was wrong and the only thing I could say was:" I have been abused too. I have been abused too!" She calmed me down somehow and suggested to read "The courage to heal" and find psychological help and that was what I did.

Making love the first time was in 1990 and my practical year was in 1996/97. And that was just the beginning.

I still have not come to terms with it! (trigger)

2011-11-08T10:59:00.000Z

I still do not know why I did that and what I did exactly. Some years later when I was further on in getting to know what abuse means I told my brother about it. Maybe I should not have as he was as shocked as I was and stopped having contact with me some years later. He perceives me as an abuser. I was 8 years old and did not know what I was doing. I can remember at the age of 11 I somehow gathered that there is something wrong. And I stopped myself which was hard as it was like an addiction. I had to do it. But I stopped myself without any help of any adult or therapist or counselling.

This experience of sibling abuse is the reason why abuse for me is not a thing of male = abuser ~ female = victim. Abuse goes all over the place there are no set roles. People of every gender, every social stand of every area do it and we have to stop it!

But I still feel guilty as it feels I did to my brother what the abusers did to me. I do not care that I was 8 and did not know what I was doing and that I stopped when I gathered that there was something wrong. I even apologized to my brother when I was an adult which makes no difference to him. I am a bad person and an abuser. That hurts deeply. It tortures me not to know what happened and how I am responsible or if I am even responsible. How much of it does a 8 - 11 year old know? How can she cope in a situation of mother seriously ill and away to hospital or rehab most of the time. Constantly changing people responsible for her and her younger brother. A younger brother she had to take care of very early in her life and two abusers around.

How does a child cope with that on her own?

A warm Hello....

2011-11-07T14:24:00.004Z

... to Rachel. Nice to have you with us. Hope you find what you are looking for!

When did it all begin?

2011-11-07T14:22:00.001Z

A few weeks ago someone told me that I am quite far with my healing process and that the person wished to be as far. I then realised that my journey started 21 years ago. That is why it somehow does not seem that far for me.
This morning I thought it would be a good thing to start from the beginning and tell how I got where I am.

Well it started I guess when I made love for the first time. My second boyfriend it was and we really wanted it. But at one point I started panicking. It came out of nowhere and I pushed him away and said I did not want this! He felt hurt and offended and I could not explain where it came from. I could not help him because it just all felt wrong. And then the flashbacks started.

At first I remembered being with my little brother. I was about 8 years of age he was about 2 years. And I was doing sexual things a 8 year old should not do and definitely not with her younger brother. I was shocked! I was so shocked I pushed the memory back where it came from because I just were not able to cope with it.

But they came back and came back. It was OK in the day as I could occupy myself with other things but going to bed trying to sleep was a nightmare. These pictures came back and back and I tried to make sense of them. By then I had not heard of abuse or the related problems with it. That came a year later when I started to study Social Work. But that is for tomorrow.

It is hard to write about this. It is hard to remember the struggle and strive but I think I have to honour this fight as it is one part that made me who I am.

I buzzed about this entry on SeededBuzz.

Still occupied with what happens at work

2011-11-05T10:17:00.000Z

It is a new feeling that someone who has done me wrong actually got punished for it. I can not remember that that has happened very often in my life.

When I was about 6 years old I had a colouring book which I really really loved. Especially a picture with a flower and a little fairy on it. I had shown it to my friend and she took a fancy to it and was bugging me to give it to her but I said no. She made such a fuss that my mother came upstairs and asked what was happening and to my utter disbelieve gave it to her. I was devastated.

My abusers of course did what ever they wanted. I had no chance and that feeling of utter powerlessness has given me countless sleepless nights. And there are other significant situations where I experienced that what I was trying to achieve or getting my right was just not possible. I was helpless and powerless and these experiences have shaped my whole life. That is probably the biggest of my obstacles in achieving goals or having goals in the first place as subconsciously I believe:"It won't work anyway!"

The more I think about it the more I believe in positive thinking and finding out the underlying believes that stop me from achieving and being happy. I experience more and more when I believe and trust it will be OK it is OK. Things work out just fine when I let my worries go and just go around my daily chores and just live my life.

These new experiences also give my confidence a big boost. That is new ground. It is exciting, a bit scary but no matter what it feels good. Everything will be OK!

Sometimes what goes around comes around...

2011-11-04T21:36:00.003Z

I had trouble with someone at work and unfortunately my employer did not deal with it in a very good manner. I decided to leave and left it to the higher powers to deal with that person. Today I heard that that person got demoted to a job that that person never wanted to do.

I started laughing when I heard that and thought about giving the person some comments to pay back. But then I felt guilty as I thought I should not be happy about the bad luck of other people. On the other hand though that person has never done a good job but made sure he looked good towards the bosses and made me look like a emotional maniac getting things all wrong and muddled up.

Well I guess I better let go of all my anger and hurt I still feel even though I try not to let it get to me. Karma came around to that person and keeping those feelings will just make me as bad as them. And that I do not want!

picture thanks to Redacteur_Tibet

it's raising it's ugly head again....

2011-11-03T20:27:00.001Z

Had a sleepless night. Felt sad when I woke up and did not want to get out of the bed. Started expecting only negative things and situations and felt like I am not capable of doing anything right as well as co-workers are totally against me. Well depression raises its ugly head and I wondered if I am losing the battle. But I am not giving up. Seems to be just a new turn of my internal cycle of achieving something and then punishing myself.

I have the Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy techniques in place:

~ Find out what my inner believes is behind the negative thoughts
~ If they really are against me what do I do to protect myself?
~ stay active no matter what
~ get in contact with friends
~ keep doing what I love no matter what

It just needs so much energy. So much energy I would love to use for my future and creative things. I will not give in!

Do we ever ask ourself this question?

2011-11-02T19:24:00.001Z

The question I started asking yesterday:

"What is health, being healthy for me?" I think this is the important thing. There are many people out there who tell you what health means and what you have to achieve. But we always lived like that: trying to please people that they like us or do not hurt or abuse us. To be happy we have to find our inner wisdom that tells us what is good for us. We can seek for advice listen to it carefully and ponder it but in the end we have to decide what is good for us. And that is exactly what I am struggling with. That "not knowing what is good for us ~ for me" makes us so vulnerable to people who still bring us into negative situation or still plainly abuse us.

Well what is health for me then? I read the points I made yesterday again and all of them are true. But it seems to me that this is not all of it! There is also:

~ knowing what is good for me
~ being able to act on it
~ follow my intuition, inner voice
~ saying no and meaning it and making sure it is heard
~ feeling safe
~ stop self-harming

I do not want to follow blindly someone who thinks that he or she knows what is good for me any more. I know that the best. As I know myself the best. I decide when I am healed!

Short hello

2011-11-02T19:09:00.002Z

to Brody. Welcome here on my blog. I hope you find what you are looking for!

When are you healed?

2011-11-01T21:30:00.002Z

I asked myself this question this morning. So when do I consider myself as healed? What is health for me? And I did not really have an answer for that. How can I know then when I am healed?

Maybe I should find some indicators for feeling healed and maybe they are different for everyone:

~ not getting a panic attack when thinking about the abuser
~ keeping the depression in bay no matter how
~ trusting myself
~ being able to set myself goals and reach them
~ being able to relax
~ not being blocked
~ standing up for myself
~ not being so dependent on being liked
~ not being in pain

but is that all?

being at peace

2011-10-30T12:33:00.001Z

I want to be at peace with my past. What is done is done and I moved on. I did it with the means I had, with the scars I had and with the difficult and sometimes negative choices I did. But I am not in that situation any more. I am not a little child helpless in the hands of adult abusers.

I am an adult and most of all a healing adult. Maybe spiritual people are right. Maybe it is not the actual things that happened that keep us from healing but our feelings and the energy that is still connected with it. The guilt, the shame, the pain, the sadness. All a child's natural reactions to an unbearable situation but we are so used to them we just hold on to our learned reactions. But a humans mind and spirit are amazing creations they are capable of adapting not only to negative situations but also to positive situations.

Well we all know this I guess. The trouble is to get to know those patterns that stop us of from healing and growing and then to keep on changing. And then to find a new mind set. A mind set not solely set on surviving but living and most of all to find out what living. Happy living means. That is exciting. And it is worth it. It is worth every single bit of pain and struggle!

Maybe today is the day that I just let go. Or maybe I already have let go and just have to find that new mind set.

de-cluttering

2011-10-29T21:40:00.000+01:00

I feel that urge to de-clutter my life. Since months I am throwing away what I do not really need or give to the charity shop. But not only what I do not really need also what I connect with negative energy in my life. It is also not only stuff in the house but also emails, email-contacts, pictures, old thinking patterns, old behaviours it is not a total wipe out but a very thorough one.

It makes me feel lighter. I am more able to concentrate on new things and as I start to believe more and more in the energy theories of life and how energy influences our life it feels the right thing to do. It makes sense that when you have a clean house you feel better and can get around your life in a more positive way. But I always thought the connection is the other way round. If I am in bad state my house is in a bad state as well. Now I am learning it goes both ways. So it would probably be a good idea the urge myself keep everything extra clean when I can feel depression ect coming. But that is a tough one. On the other hand it always helped me to keep myself occupied with clean ups when bad times were around as you can see what you were doing which makes you feel good.

Well what ever is true: I feel it is time to de-clutter my life and am wondering where it leads me to.

something's changing

2011-10-28T20:54:00.000+01:00

Again I am at that point where I know I am changing but I do not know exactly how. It frightens me but I know it is a good change.

It is less and less that I do give in to my "old-fashioned" fears of "Oh something bad will happen if I stand up for myself!". What I try to do is to re-train myself to trust. To trust in the people around me as well as the abundance of the universe. The older I get the more I believe in positive thinking. It is said that everything is in one form or the other energy. Even our thoughts. If our thoughts are negative they give out a certain vibration on energy level which in turn attracts outcomes on a vibration on the same wavelength. If negative of course negative if positive of course positive. The explanation might sound really science fiction but it works.

What made me believe even more in it was the part of the Cognitive-behavioural-Therapy where we had to look at our believes about ourselves. That fear I was talking about is one of them. I try to stand up for myself or do something good for myself and directly feel bad or start panicking or get afraid. The under-laying reason for that is that I got warned so often that something bad will happen if I talk about what happened in my family. That bad thing really happened unfortunately (my mum passed away because of cancer) which gave me the idea that it was my fault and what ever I do it will be a bad thing.

Right now I am monitoring my thoughts on a regular basis to make sure that I do not think things like "Oh that does not work anyway" or "Oh I can not do this I am too stupid........ ect". I also think when this warning feeling comes up "Everything will be fine" or I ask higher powers for help to achieve this trust into a good out come. It is a daily struggle to be honest. It is so easy to fall back but I am not willing to go back into the old.

Dear Readers

2011-10-27T20:50:00.001+01:00

I am sorry that I am not blogging in my usually time frame but things are not going how they should due to different reasons. I hope to be back into normal from next week on and hope you bear with me.

For today I say a warm welcome to kevstar who joined us and hope he'll find hope and healing.

Thank you so much for your understanding.

have a gorgeous new week....

2011-10-23T21:54:00.000+01:00

..... with an enormous amount of healing! Be blessed!

It would be nice.....

2011-10-22T20:52:00.002+01:00

..... not to attract more abusive behaviour again and again :-(

Again taking care of oneself

2011-10-21T20:47:00.001+01:00

I think one of the most important things a survivor (and maybe still a thriver too) has to learn is taking care of oneself. I am struggling with exhaustion and tiredness a lot but thinking about it maybe that is just what I need now: Taking it slowly. Let the old die and the new grow.

Surviving is like a motor working 120% constantly as you need a lot of energy to keep your protections up and be alert as to protect yourself. No motor survives that for a long time nor does a body, soul and mind. Therefore I just allow myself to take it slowly, rest a lot, read and do things I enjoy. And strangely I get more and more new insights and am able to put into practise what I learned over the years. It is not only my knowledge and in my mind but it gets down into my soul as well and .... well healing gets more real.

Maybe resting is one of the most important things while healing!

Revenge?

2011-10-20T19:11:00.000+01:00

Today I heard about the death of Mamal Gaddafi the Libyan Leader for so long. Someone said that the families of victims of Lockerbie and other eg RIA attacks which were supported with explosive from Libya have a closure now and that they can feel like the revenge is theirs.

I always wonder about revenge. I was raised in the believe that revenge does not change a thing. It does not bring those back who are lost and just keeps the circle of negative energy going. Who sows wind will harvest storm that is what they say in Germany.

Once I saw a program about a family who's son or daughter was killed and the killer was on death row. They showed how the family took part in his killing but the program did not show what they felt afterwards. I wondered if it was because his death did not change a thing for them and they were disappointed to what it brought. Maybe forgiveness is the only answer but I have trouble with that as well.

I am undecided to the best way of dealing with my abuser. As far as I know I might have the chance now to bring him to justice as the laws changed but I can not see the point. It will not take away my nightmares. It will not take away the depression, the pain and the suffering. That is part of my memories and my body not of his.

Strangely I would go to court though if I knew someone else was abused by him and they needed support. I would support their claim. Something is not quiet right here. And I wonder if it is that I still am not able to ask for my rights.

To keep up appearances is the most important thing for my father. He gets questions as to why his daughter never comes around to birthdays ect and why she does not have any contact with him. He has to find answers and it makes it more difficult to keep up that illusion of a perfect family and him being gorgeous. I feel that is my punishment for him. I know I can get him with that. A claim at court would just support his image of himself being a victim and that the whole world is against him. I do not want to give this any energy.

I also want to concentrate on positive things. On my future, on my happiness and my talents. I do not want to waste any energy, money or time on a man who has brought nothing to my life but pain. He does not deserve any of my energy or any bond. He does not deserve my attention.

I feel peaceful with this decision. But there is this question if it is right. If I should bring him to justice but maybe that is just what society would expect and not what is good for me.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-19T22:23:00.004+01:00

Today's Wordless Wednesday does not go to a blog but to a brilliant idea to spread the word about the reality of childhood abuse: Help Spread This

Wordless Wednesday

"healing begins"

2011-10-18T12:10:00.001+01:00

Sorry that I am late with the music suggestion but my internet connection is playing up lately. Here is this weeks suggestion and I was searching for a healing song:

"Healing begins" from tenth avenue north

Have a great weekend

2011-10-15T21:58:00.004+01:00

I wish all of you a great healing relaxing exciting colourful scrumptious delicious lovely weekend!

Be blessed!

animal totem crab

somehow....

2011-10-14T21:32:00.001+01:00

..... I always figure it out what causes my dissociation. I wish I could sense it before and change it. Well we are not there yet but I think we will. The little one is close to me now. She trusts more. She starts playing and I hear a laughter now and then. That is good. But exhaustion is not getting better. I feel tired. So tired.

Seems to me like resting is my main focus for now. So much energy used but not wasted on surviving and then on making a living. And learning how to live. I am changing. We come together after all and live!

Figured it out at last....

2011-10-13T15:36:00.001+01:00

..... what made me so disconnected lately. I agreed to go back to my old department for a day. I did not think about it a lot because I thought that chapter was closed but apparently it is not. A lot came back what was going on then and mostly I realised that my complains about being bullied had not been taken serious. Nothing happened. Am thinking about doing something about it. Not quiet sure though what. Am more myself again.

sorry

2011-10-12T19:18:00.003+01:00

Blogger did not let me get in yesterday. That is why I could not post and entry. I hope they solve the issues because it happens quit often lately. Hope all of you are well! Healing thoughts to all of you!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-12T19:17:00.002+01:00

Today's Wordless Wednesday goes to Lea's Blog

Wordless Wednesday

one strong song

2011-10-10T21:03:00.002+01:00

I will not write a lot about this one:

The first moment I saw this on MTV it caught me. It touches me deeply and I wish the girl would have survived.

How come, how long

It's not right, it's so wrong
Do we let it just go on
Turn our backs and carry on
Wake up, for it's too late
Right now, we can't wait
She won't have a second try
Open up your hearts
As well as your eyes (Babyface & Stevie Wonder)

I wished someone would have sung those words for me!

This might trigger: The silent child....

2011-10-09T19:15:00.000+01:00

Please be a voice for the silent child!

This is youtube video about a poem about a child enduring incest read by a lady who had to endure it too. It triggers but it is good to have it described this way.

Sometimes...

2011-10-08T22:12:00.000+01:00

work just sucks out every bit of energy of me.

It is busy at the weekends and we have less and less staff. It is exhausting and I know I should leave but I do not exactly know what I want to do. Well I also like the place or more used to like it. They gave me a job when I came to the country and supported me a lot. But lately it has changed and it feels more like slave labour than a satisfying job.

Well the right thing will come along in time!

Friday night

2011-10-07T21:45:00.001+01:00

I am coming back to myself a bit more. It is easier to concentrate even though I still have trouble to understand people. I still can not figure out what it really is but I start remembering things again. Mostly about my mother. Have not been thinking about her a lot lately. But I remember how she laid in bed in her last months looking like a starving person: Her belly bloated and her stick thin arms and legs laying powerless. She must have suffered so much from the cancer that had slowly eaten through her body from her breast to her kidney and liver. Even though she was always there, living every moment! I remember my little green bike and riding to see my friend. I remember our library. I remember. I am not sure if I want to remember but I always do in October. I always do.

Am still kind of out of everything

2011-10-06T10:17:00.000+01:00

I still have trouble concentrating and finding something I like to do. I invited the Angel of play back into my life and started learning "The bare necessities" but realised not all of the song is suitable for singing. So I decided to do the first verse which is probably the best known part anyway and that is what can be my hymn.

So I sing away, trying to get through my day and am grateful for my blessings:

my life as a whole
my family
my friends
my talents
my blog
other survivors blogs
music
the food and drink and love that nourishes me
being able to grow things
the internet
art
tv
seasons
the sea
.....

The list could go on endlessly it is so great with how much we are blessed!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-05T09:49:00.004+01:00

Today's Wordless Wednesday goes to kate1975 and her blog that comes right from the heart!

Wordless Wednesday

trouble concentrating

2011-10-04T19:34:00.001+01:00

I had real trouble concentrating today. It happened many times that I went somewhere to do something and then I stood there and could not remember what I wanted to do. I had trouble to find the right words or understand what people said to me. It was really strange. I never had it that bad. It happens at times. But not that often like today. I wonder. I worry. But maybe it is just that I am now so often present that I realise these things happening more. Being present. The opposite really of not concentrating and forgetting.

It is nice to be present. It is nice to actually being able to deal with my life and feel being in power over my life. To life it and not being lived or more just survive. I had that idea that healing really starts when you make plans for your life. When you find out how you want it to look like. And then when you actually start working on it and it becomes reality. That is worth all this fighting.

But I still can not figure out why I am how I am right now. Something works again. It is October and it always works then. Something threatening is waiting. But that is how I always feel after a victory of mine or when I start feeling at home or relaxed. When I am content it is still lurking in the dark just waiting to jump out on me. I can just go on and remember those moments when it feels whole and healed.

Songs about abuse ~ Otep "Jonestown Tea"

2011-10-03T06:01:00.001+01:00

After two weeks of healing songs I thought it might be time for another one about abuse. I chose Otep's "Jonestown tea" because it uses clear words about what is going on when being abused and frankly it is quite disturbing.

I could not listen to it all as it triggered a lot of feelings as well as images but I think it is important that singers and groups do songs like that to show what that abstract word "abuse" really means.

Otep uses the Jonestown tea as an image of her being sexually abused by her father. Jonestown is place in Guyana where cult leader Jim Jones lead about 900 people to suicide in 1978. She describes what she felt and still feels about the abuse and also what happened. A very brave song!

Links thanks to wikipedia and youtube

Saturday evening

2011-10-01T22:03:00.001+01:00

I had a late shift today and wanted to blog this morning. I had several ideas but did not write them down. Then I realised I had to bake some bread as we had run out, wanted to wash the clothes, clean the dishes to leave the house in a good state and did my spiritual goal setting for October.

It is after work now and I forgot what I wanted to write about. Shame! I use Angel Cards from New Age store to get a guide for every month and this months is the Angel of play. The card says that we need some time off chores to be able to do them in a good way and that "working hard" without some play time in between won't lead us anywhere.

My experience proves that to be true. The card asked to do a play time date every now and then and asked to find out what you want to play. Well what I enjoy and want to do more is singing and I did that a lot as a child. So I decided I will learn a few songs by heart that I can sing them when ever I feel like it and when ever I want.

Will start with the "Bare necessities" from the Jungle book :-))!

video thanks to youtube

speaking ones mind

2011-09-30T20:27:00.000+01:00

I found a directed meditation on Amazon (10 min daily meditation) and tried it out for a few days. It connects you with your chakras in a simple way one by one from the base to the crown chakra and strangely I got an odd feeling when the woman speaks of the throat chakra. The throat chakra is connected with the ability to speak ones truth and be truthful to oneself in conversations.

At work today my co-worker was talking a lot to her partner instead of working. It got on my nerves for quite some time but as I am not someone who says something any fast I turned the frustration inside. I do not know what made me decide to talk to her and say in hopefully a positive way what annoyed me but I did. At first I felt relieved. I spoke my mind at last. But then the guilty feelings hit in. She was down afterwards and I really do and did not want to hurt her feelings. She is a great co-worker and has taught me a lot. I created an image in my mind how she would hate me now and everybody would turn against me and how I always try to help people but it works out wrong.

Then I thought about how our thoughts effect situations, how we feel and how we react and I thought:"I do not want to draw any negative Energy to this situation! I had a right to say something ~ it is not wrong!" and I felt something changing somewhere. I can not put the finger exact on it but I have learned something important today!

Links thanks to http://en.wikipedia.org, http://www.amazon.co.uk

Picture thanks to Xxglenxx

Being blocked

2011-09-29T20:17:00.001+01:00

I wonder if being blocked in different things is one symptom of being abused in my childhood. I have trouble with doing paperwork in time, calling friends and family and doing things in a routine. Most people probably would say that I am too lazy or thoughtless or should just get on with it but I can't. I wish I would know what that is. Once I got over myself and done it it is ok and I promise myself not to go back into the old again but it never works out. That is something I should work on in therapy. It really destroys my chances.

My mind is like jelly the whole week. I can not concentrate, can not get myself around to do things and I just feel exhausted. The week before I decided to allow my self enough rest but it does not seem to be a natural effect like enjoying some rest and getting more Energy. It actually has the opposite effect: the more I rest the more I get tired and lose Energy. So is that just another depression attack, or a weird way of my guilty feelings working or what?

I just want to get on with the things I like with as much energy as necessary. I wonder if someone else has this problem was well.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-28T08:53:00.000+01:00

Today's Wordless Wednesday goes to An Arab Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Wordless Wednesday

Am in a odd mood

2011-09-27T09:58:00.002+01:00

Even though I have been resting in my daily meditation and connecting to the spirit world I am not really present. My mind seems to be like a wobbling jelly not being able to concentrate on anything. And I do not know why. I have been blogging, I made sure I got enough rest. I was aware of my way of thinking to make sure it did not go back into the negative downturn. I got no exercise though. Just some work in the garden yesterday. I feel out of place and just a tick out of balance but I can not find a way to make it right. Will just get through today and let you know later in the week how I am doing.

Hope all is well with you and that you find your perfect balance and the strength you need for today!

Sharon Burch ~ all is beautiful

2011-09-26T08:00:00.000+01:00

I have always found listening to native american music is healing. The reason is probably that native american culture is much closer connected to the spirit world and much closer to nature. If I think about healing songs I mainly think about celtic~ and native american~ inspired music.

Sharon Burch's music is a great example for native american music and I hope many more will find her.

The song "All is beautiful" is for a young man living with down syndrome who loves her music and has worn all her tapes out through listening to them.

Video thanks to Sharon Burch and Youtube

Meeting my inner child

2011-09-25T12:42:00.000+01:00

I am not sure if I have used the term "inner child" before but I definitely refer to my memories, feelings, traumas that happen in my childhood as a "inner child". Even though I agree with "Internal Family System Therapy" that there is not only one. I think our personalities are too complex to put them into just one category.

Well I have never done a Inner Child Therapy. What I am talking about is what I have been reading on the net; what I have heard in therapies and counselling I have done and what my inner wisdom tells me.

I found it very helpful to actually address an entity that connects me with what happened then. For one it gave and gives me the possibility to give myself as well as the child I have been some love, respect and the possibility to express what is there. It is also a possibility to deal with what happened without letting it come too close. It also gives me the possibility to express all that anger, frustration, rage that is still stuck inside of me. Over the years we have developed a close relationship. My healing is closely related to how my little ones feel. I see some of them grow, I see and saw some of them die and some are still there.

One of them is in my mind constantly lately. I see her standing at the window after our father has left. I can just remember the beginning of what he did and then me standing there. I had a look at our garden and at the full moon and wondered how I would be at the age of 40. I am 40 now nearly 41 and I have to say that I am still that little girl but I am also what she has wished for. That was before I had given up wanting anything. Well maybe not. Maybe it is as I said before. Our personalities are much more complex than we can gather. Even though I have not been aware of what I really want it must be there somewhere hidden away that it could not have been destroyed by the trauma and it is time now to come out.

Well no matter what or how: I am grateful for where I am now and enjoy the healing process with all its ups and downs. And I am most grateful for that girl because she has done it. She got through it and she did not give up. That is the reason why I am still here. Thanks Darling!

Picture thanks to Monash from Wikimedia commons

There is no hell ~ or is there?

2011-09-24T10:13:00.000+01:00

Urban buzzed a blogpost on SeededBuzz called "There is no hell". He describes in it how he see's the way religion could be. How positive, healing, supporting and empowering any sort of religion could be. And also what he is doing to start the change. I totally agree with him. Religion should be empowering and healing and not abusive and oppressing. (Haven't even started on the subject in here).

Nevertheless I think we do not need a concept of hell in the afterlife:
Well firstly we all went through hell already. The abuse in our childhoods and then the hell of remembering is more than enough. No one should have to deal with that. Secondly there is the connection of catholic and other priesthoods with the abuse of minors. Whatever these people say about the rulers of hell ~ they have done it I would surmise. I just start to understand what ritual abuse means and I am horrified. The survivors of their doing had and have hell. They do not need another one later on.

It seems to me that Religion has a close connection to childhood abuse. I showed the negative sides already. But there is also a positive one. So many survivors say that they never would have found the strength to survive or heal without religion. There is a positive power behind it and it does not matter which one you chose as long as it is empowering for you.

I come from a protestant kind of born again Christian background and have read myself through liberal Christianity, feminist Christianity, New age and paganism. Believing in higher powers is essential for me. I could not have survived without that knowledge there is something that gets me through all this and the concept of hell was not included. This "getting me through" has actually many faces but one could be described as "God". However I have trouble to connect to an organised religion as I only see them being power tripping, oppressive bigots who lose all sense of what the founders of their religion had in mind and in so far they create a good portion of hell on earth daily. (Ok I admit I exaggerated shamelessly to make a point).

The more I think about it the more I find that "God" is too great a power that you can give it just one face. There are many faces of God and all of them describe the many aspect of the "Divine"! And the more I think about it the more it looks to me like there must be a eternally negative side of "God" as well as so many chose to follow it in its many forms. I guess we all have to decide which side we want to follow and I decided to join the positive forces. I decided to fight hell and help creating heaven on earth!

The discovery of desire (part II)

2011-09-23T10:12:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was writing about "The discovery of desire" as in what we desire for our lives.
The second part of this is desire as in love making.

I never desired anyone. Sex was just something I had to endure and mostly I was not present anyway. But then I met the man I am with now and before I even really knew him I felt that overwhelming: "WOA I want to be with this man!" I have been thinking it before but I never have felt it and it has not stopped. It grows more and more. Then there was this protective part of mine thinking "That is not like you?! What is going on?????" And I was pretty busy with suppressing this feeling. But when you go on with your healing and you reconnect with your feelings you just can not suppress them any more. It just lingered somewhere between consciousness and sub-consciousness. And carefully I started to respect it as something good, natural, normal.

Last night I have been thinking about how much childhood abuse destroys our natural way of sexual desire. Sexual desire is something that has been urged onto us far before we were ready for it. And it is more pressure than desire. Desire can roam freely discover the other and enjoy. The acts we have been experiencing as children have to do with not respected boundaries, with pain, with taboo, with being forced to do things we do not want to, with being wrong altogether. That exciting excursion that many teenagers experience when they discover their sexuality has been denied to us as there always was that feeling that something bad is lurching in the back.

I am aware that sexuality is a taboo in our society anyway and developing a normal relationship with our own sexuality is difficult enough even when you have not been abused. But being abused makes it look nearly impossible. But healing is a force to be reckoned with. You can not stop it once it has started and you can not stop it reaching our sexuality as well. And maybe it is the greatest victory over our abusers when we start to enjoy love making!

picture thanks to ookaboo

The discovery of desire

2011-09-22T09:29:00.000+01:00

Was writing a lot about depression, what it does to me and how I deal with it lately. But in between all that struggle a little seedling has popped up its head out of the abyss. I call it "the discovery of desire"!

For me there are two parts to "desire". I write about one part today about the other tomorrow.
For one it is about every thing we want in this life, what we strive for and what makes us going. As survivors we often have only developed one wish: To survive the hell and go through it!" That is what makes us going, that is what takes all our energies. But there is a point in our healing when we have achieved the "surviving" and in order to become a thriver we have to find goals or wishes beyond that.

I am at exactly that point in my life. Suddenly I have discovered that there have never been goals or wishes that I wanted to achieve as it felt like it will not work out anyway. It also felt like I do not have the right to wish for anything. But I realise now that I can take this life head on and make something out of it. Make something that fullfills me and makes me happy. I just need to know what that is.

That thought scared me first. It scared me to death as there was only that emptiness. But little by little I started to fill this emptiness. Just little things at first like: " What do I like to drink!" or "Which dessert for afters?". Silly things like that that just make me feel happy and give me joy. Bit by bit it grew to "who do I really want to spend my life with" and "How do I really want to earn my living?" And the more I tried the more it got exciting to discover what lays beyond the surviving and the depression. There are our desires to discover!

In this sense: Have a exciting journey today!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-21T08:54:00.000+01:00

I would like to give today's Wordless Wednesday to Prozacblogger!

Songs for the inner child - Shaina Noll

2011-09-19T05:56:00.000+01:00

I am sick and tired of always being sick and tired

2011-09-18T08:11:00.000+01:00

This song from Anastacia is one of hymns. It is mine to express my frustration about all the effects of childhood abuse I have to deal with. Depression, bad health, trouble with love making and the constant fight. That is what bugs me the most right now. It costs so much energy to constantly be alert about my mental and physical health. I have to figure out any little sign of upcoming depression to be able to deal with it and counter react. And I am sick and tired of it. Of course I could go the medication way and I am sure it is a good help for many but I just do not believe it is right for me. Besides my stomach would not do it any way so there is no reason to try.
I am proud of what I have achieved in a 20 year struggle but now and then I am just sick and tired of it all and I just want to have a little bit of peace.

I had a look at the lyrics of the song. It was probably not made as a song about abuse of any sort but its words fits so clearly to how my abusers lived: " Your love isn't fair / You live in a world where you didn't listen / And you didn't care / So I'm floating, I'm floating on air / I am on air "

They sold their abusive actions as love to me and my innocent inner child believed them for so long. They never listened to my cries! And they did not care! Still do not do! And so often I feel like I am floating on air nothing but abyss underneath me and nothing where to cling to. And I am sick and tired of it!

Depression and Creativity - a SeededBuzz-buzz

2011-09-17T07:12:00.000+01:00

THEINKEDWRITER asked on SeededBuzz if depression helps or hinders the creative process.
If I have a look at creative people like Virginia Wolf or Billy Joel I think it might not hinder as their works are amazing. But especially Virginia Wolf could not write for months at a time when she had another spell of melancholy as they called it then.

Well I am not a writer just a blogger but that in itself is creative as well as you need to find new content every day (if you write every day) and how to best present it.

Depression (as it is one of the effects of child abuse I have to deal with) of course helps me as I so often blog about it. It is one of my main subjects and sharing my experiences and what helps is a bit of a passion or mission of mine. On the other hand as Prozacblogger puts it nicely " A blogpost per day keeps the doctor away!". Blogging helps me deal with the effects that depression has on me and my life and it helps my blogging.

But the effects of it like not having enough energy to do anything, self-doubt and self-harm does of course hinder as well. So often in the beginning of my blogging "career" I thought: "It is too much. I can not blog today!" and just left it. Or I thought: "How can anything I write be good enough for others too read. There are so many much better bloggers out there!" And again I left blogging for days. But writing about what happens inside of myself and around me makes me feel good which in turn is a treatment against depression and so I got back again and again.

All in all I would say it is a double-edged sword. It is both - a help as it gives me content but a hindrance as well as self-doubt often stops me doing what I love to do.

THEINKEDWRITER on Depression and Creativity

Depression, Depression, Depression

2011-09-16T06:50:00.000+01:00

I can not believe how often depression tries to come back. Was at work and my co-workers were in a side room preparing things. They were talking having fun and I felt so outside and like they hated me. I thought "No one likes me. I should stay away from them!" but then Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy kicked in and I remembered what they were saying about our negative thinking that makes things worse. This feeling of being outside was one I was working on so I thought: "How do I deal with this? I do not want to go back into the abyss! I have it in my hands!"

Well firstly I started my gratitude-exercise (which I did not learn in the therapy but emerged through my online reading about angels and meditation.). I tried to think about all the good things in my life and be grateful for it but it did not really work. I could not feel very grateful it just felt dull and wrong. So I put those thoughts aside for a while and went on with my job. One of them had asked me how I was but she sometimes sounds a bit like she patronises you even though she does not mean it that way. She is not that way and I know that. In that particular moment though she came across to me like "Oh Lisa is drama queening again!" and I just did not believe her. While going on with my job I suddenly thought "Why do I think so negative about someone who asks how I am? Let's just accept that she means it and be glad they care!" and something switched. Something inside of me switched from being misgiving to trusting. And it was ok. It is ok for now. But autumn is coming and I wonder if what I have learned is strong enough to get me through the dark months. I do not want to suffer any more. I do not want to go back into depression!

My lost souls - healing from child abuse

2011-09-15T06:23:00.000+01:00

My friend Bee wrote a series of poems about "My lost souls" and they express exactly how I feel like. It feels so often like I have lost a lot of "me's" or "Souls" along the way while healing from child abuse. If I have a look at pictures of myself when I was a child it is like looking at someone else. I have accepted the fact that they are me but once I dreamed about a white coffin and there was a child in there. I did not have a look but I sensed it was a child in there and I think it is the child who I was and who is not any more. I cried and mourned for months.

A long time ago I read a book about what they then called "multiple personality" and it felt like that book just explained myself. I never tried to get a diagnosis I just accepted the fact that there might be more than one inside of me. So often when I was driving home from somewhere I just could not remember how I got home. But I did in a save way. So often when I was thinking about myself I was thinking as "we" and not "I". At one point when life was really hard for me, myself and I I contacted them and asked them to work together. And they did. That was one of the changing points of my way towards healing. When I try to fall asleep I often fall asleep and then wake up again but it is not really me. I know it might not make sense but it feels like there was another part still awake that needs to fall asleep as well.

I am not sure if I ever have been many but I have and I am definitely two. There is the creative one and the practical one. And there is the little shy one we are protecting. Both the creative one and the practical one do that. Have always done. So we are really three.

But maybe there have been more who protected me from the effects of child abuse because I can remember that there were points in my life that felt like I have died or a part of me has died. A protecting part that has lost its duty. But maybe they have not died but just went on to another place of duty or a place of rest. Who knows?

picture thanks to Jimmedia on flickr

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-14T05:11:00.000+01:00

Today's Wordless Wednesday goes to Bongo is me!

Wordless Wednesday

Have a great Tuesday!

2011-09-13T08:58:00.000+01:00

Sarah Yellin by 3 Doors Down

2011-09-12T05:40:00.000+01:00

3 Doors Down is another band who has made a song about abuse and what struck me as interesting is the fact that in their song "Sarah Yellin" there again is a girl who finds no help but has to kill the abuser. But this one does not touch me as much as Aerosmith's "Janie's got a gun" which is a kind of hymn of survival for me (No I have not killed my abusers but sometimes I wished and man how much I wished).

Well I am not sure if this kind of image that is brought about by musicians is a really helpful one. Yes it is good to show the pain and struggle we have to fight with. Yes it is good to show the reality of abuse day in day out. But where are the songs about the thrivers? About those who did not chose the destructive way? Where are the songs about healing?

You find more about "Sarah Yellin!" here songfacts

You can find the video here Sarah Yellin by 3 Doors Down

(links thanks to 3 Doors Down, Aerosmith, Youtube, Songfacts

picture thanks to ashleeyoo1

More struggle

2011-09-11T07:43:00.000+01:00

Well I was writing about being happy just yesterday and yes I am on and off but there is more struggle to come. While I can deal with the depression right now relatively well (Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy does help a great deal) I do have problems with my body though.

I never had a good relationship with my body. I self-harm (biting the insides of my mouth till they bleed as well as the biting of the skin of my fingertips) and even if I hurt I just go on doing what I am doing. Just do not give my body some loving care and attention or just rest when it tells me to. On and off I tried things like making sure to use body lotion after having a shower but it never lasts very long.

But it seems to me my body is screaming at me telling me I have to take care of it. In spring I was off work being sick with a virus and have not recovered properly ever since. I suffer from swollen fingers, diarrhoea and constipation in turns, my joints hurt constantly, my neck as well (that might come from me grinding my teeth at night) I catch every virus and cold that is around since spring, headaches and memory loss or more I have trouble remembering normal words or what I just wanted to do.

I eat healthy and have enough sleep every night but it does not feel like I am ever really relaxed. Just constantly exhausted and tired and of course my gp does not find a thing.

Well I do not want to come across as a drama queen or making up things but I do suffer from these things and I do not know what to do. I am sick and tired of feeling ill and exhausted. I wish I knew what it is and get some help even if it would just be proper pain relieve.

9/11

2011-09-11T07:29:00.000+01:00

In memory of the victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks

as well as

all those before and after!

A warm welcome....

2011-09-10T20:35:00.002+01:00

to Blair Corbett and the Ark of hope! Great to have you here!

Struggle

2011-09-10T07:19:00.000+01:00

I was writing last week about how guilty I feel about being happy and having achieved what I was looking for. Mark Ashcroft answered that entry and said, that it might feel like being happy negates the seriousness what happened. Reading that I realised that this is exactly the point.

It feels for me that if I am happy, enjoy my life how it is now (not as it has been) would make me look like it never had been so bad and I am just another drama queen. But no-one who has broken his leg and walks afterwards normally again would feel guilty for walking. But if you broke your soul and feel happy again you do feel guilty. I wonder if that is societies way of keeping survivors silent and in their misery.

No matter what I want to change my thinking and allow myself to be proud of my life how it is now and enjoy it to the max. Well that does not mean there are no challenges and Depression just goes away. NO it does not but we have a right as everyone else to be happy and if we do not fight for this right we will always stay victims instead of thrivers!

HI there....

2011-09-09T13:34:00.000+01:00

A warm welcome to Meggs. It is good to have you here!

A warm welcome...

2011-09-09T11:02:00.003+01:00

.... to Caterina Serra. Thanks for following and I hope you find what you are looking for. Have a great day!

A tribute to my followers

2011-09-09T06:57:00.000+01:00

Hello Everyone,

this entry is a tribute to all my followers! Thanks for following! Without you this blog would be entirely senseless! And also "Thank you!" to all those who have supported me with comments!

I had a look through your profiles and found some amazing blogs there and today I want to mention them:

Alias Chase
Bryanna
Destiny
Elli
Iam.mother
Interruption
Jo Hegga
Mark Ashcroft
Oliver Wellmann (German Cabaret)
Puzzled hat
Susannah
The Blog Farm

Thanks guys - you rock!

(if one of you has a blog that I did not realise - please give me a shout and I put it on here!)

A warm welcome....

2011-09-09T06:31:00.000+01:00

.... to Mark Ashcroft! It is good to have you here!

Changes

2011-09-08T06:25:00.000+01:00

Hello Everyone,

as you can see I have been working on the blog and done some changes. I have always felt that the many link lists I had at the sidebar were too confusing and that I had too much in them anyway. So I figured out at last how to create different pages and am using them now. There is a page for links to interesting blogs from survivors and thrivers. The page called Links is what used to be "Links for help". I have a page with links specially for male survivors and for partners as well even though both are still in work and will grow.
I hope you enjoy this blog and find some help with the links. Have a great day!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-07T12:38:00.001+01:00

Todays Wordless Wednesday goes to Jeff's Song!

picture with friendly permission of B. Berwing

Wordless Wednesday

Featured Song: Alyssa lies by Jason Michael Caroll

2011-09-06T13:03:00.017+01:00

Alyssa lies by Jason Michael Caroll is a sad song about a true story. A girl meets another on the playground and tells her father afterwards that Alyssa lies to everyone. In the evening the girl prays for the other as she thinks the girl needs Jesus really bad. The next morning the new girl won't come to school any more.

This is one of the most sad songs I have ever heard and it is the truth for so many children. Please do not look away any more!

More about the song via Songfacts

picture thanks to http://ookaboo.com/o/pictures/picture/13151598/Child_models_are_used_for_a_wide_variety

links thanks to youtube, wikipedia and songfacts

Struggle!

2011-09-05T14:26:00.000+01:00

When I had a look on the old blog entry last Friday I realised how much in struggle I was two years ago. In that time I felt stressed and depressed but it just felt like normal. I did not realise how much I struggled with everything. Two years on my life is a lot calmer, I could go back to do things I enjoy and I feel at home at last.

It is a lot that I have been striving for but there is this strange image that as a survivor I can not be happy. I kind of feel bad or guilty for achieving what I have instead of just feel grateful for it. It is so contradictory because it is what I have worked for so hard and now it feels difficult to believe in it.

Well there is apparently subconsciously a lot more to do.

Have a lovely sunday!

2011-09-04T14:24:00.001+01:00

My Fellow American

2011-09-03T13:39:00.000+01:00

A few weeks ago I got an email from Elizabeth who has created a touching video about Muslims in America with her team. She asked me to introduce the video on my blog and at first I wrote back that I do not want to as it does not exactly fit my blog about abuse.

But thinking about it I realised that that is not true. Prejudices and racism are a form of abuse too and so I have decided to write one entry about the video.

The video shows images of the lives of several Americans working as a firefighter, doctor, being a mom ect and you can hear ideological and religious prejudices about Islam. In the end you see the names of the Americans and realise that those are Muslims but not as they are described in the comments.

I think it is an important but difficult Video as it needs a bit thinking to understand.

Still fighting against prejudices and racism is an important goal and I want to support that!

video thanks to My Fellow American

Please visit the webpage "My Fellow American" and help the fight against prejudice and racism!

I can't believe it is nearly two years....

2011-09-02T13:26:00.001+01:00

.... that I am writing this blog. I have come a long way since then. I found new friends and other thrivers who have supported my way and hopefully I have supported them too.
I wrote in the beginning that starting to take for real what happened is to start to heal and I can just agree more and more.

Here is the entry I am referring to:

I chose to heal!

A warm welcome...

2011-08-31T14:39:00.000+01:00

to The Blog Farm. Thank you very much for following this blog!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-31T12:37:00.001+01:00

Todays Wordless Wednesday goes to nascentum!

picture with friendly permission of B. Berwing

wordless wednesday

Some Changes again

2011-08-31T12:05:00.000+01:00

Hello all of you! I hope you are well and thrive!!!

As you can see I have made a few more changes on the blog. I was not very happy with all those link lists on the front page as it felt for me like not being very clear and user friendly.

So I decided to introduce different pages for books, links for help, songs about abuse, Blogs of Survivors and Thrivers, Links for male survivors and links for partners. The links for help are sorted by country now which makes it easier to find your way around. In time I hope to find more international links for male survivors and partners as well!

I hope those changes make reading this blog easier for you. I would be very grateful for some feedback from you. Thanks very much!

Featured Song: Slide by Dresden Dolls (attention might trigger)

2011-08-30T15:09:00.000+01:00

There are not a lot of songs that call the things by name. This one does. It is scary and might trigger but good that there are people who show how abusers act and get the trust of children.

Slide by The Dresden Dolls

To find out more about the song please have a look at Songfacts

Picture thanks to Kenpei via Ookaboo

Have a happy bank holiday!

2011-08-29T13:27:00.000+01:00

Today there is a holiday in Great Britain! So all of you who live there: Have a great August Bank Holiday!

Did they really not know?

2011-08-28T13:16:00.001+01:00

A school friend of mine who had no contact for about 25 years wrote after I told her about the abuse that she never thought that would have happened to me. She said "you just don't expect behind this image of the nice middle class family such horrors to happen"! A little after that I searched for new songs about abuse and stumbled over The Offsprings "Kirsty are you doing ok" and it says " 'cuz your eyes told a tale of an act of betrayal and I knew that somebody did!"

It made me wonder how many were there who realised that something was not right with me but were not able to follow that up. It was easy to hide it anyway as my mother had cancer and that alone was though enough to deal with.

I do not want them to feel guilty. There was no way to know as I hide my emotions so effectively and would never have told anyone anyway and my father came across as the hero who took care of the family and his ill wife. But it still makes me wonder who knew in that village and maybe who took part as well.

I can't help it. I always had that feeling that there is more to that than incest. The place I grew up in would have been perfect for ritual abuse or a ring of pedophiles selling pictures and films. It was a little village in the middle of nowhere. One of the biggest markets for drugs in the whole country which no one knew about apparently and such a nice and well kept place. Nice houses nice families the perfect setting for a criminal story or a little place of horrors. I wonder if I ever find out!

Support

2011-08-27T12:54:00.001+01:00

Two days ago I read on Marj aka Thrivers blog Survivors can thrive how much she missed the support of the online community of thrivers and survivors as she had not a lot of time for writing her blog and being online.
Prozacblogger says that " a blogpost per day keeps the doctor away" and both comments mirror my experience. Since I write this blog and I have found so many others who have similar experiences I feel so much more motivation to get over my handicaps that result from my childhood experiences. Only the knowledge that I am not alone, that a lot I experience is a result from real abuse and not made-up troubles of a hypochondriac helps me so much. And also doing something, not being helpless and most of all make something positive out of that cr.. that has ruled my life for so long. I think that is the best we can do!

constant fight?

2011-08-26T12:44:00.002+01:00

It it seems like I have to put up with the fact that depression tries keep coming back. For ages I had that idea that I do therapy and then it will go and I would have an easy life. But I start thinking that this is what stops me from having this easy life because memories, unresolved trauma and depression just keeps coming back. Maybe it would help me to think of it more like a chronic illness. You have to live with it and learn how to deal with the effects.

For me that means not giving in negative thinking and keep active and doing what I enjoy when I feel depression coming back, writing about my experiences and keep safe when flashbacks try to occupy my life. Well that needs a lot of energy to be honest. I constantly have to be observant about myself to realise when things go wrong to be able to deal with them. And I wonder why I am tired all the time?

loads of posts today

2011-08-25T15:21:00.000+01:00

Well the last post about the song from Linkin' Park was not meant to be posted today. I have a busy week in front of me and probably won't have time to concentrate on writing good blog posts so I used my day off to schedule some. Does not matter. Wrote another one for later.

Hope all of you are ok and have a great day. No matter where we come from and no matter what we struggle with: There is always a light at the end of the tunnel!

We just have to see it!

(I promise this is the last one for today lol)

Featured Song: Crawling by Linkin' Park

2011-08-25T15:05:00.000+01:00

"Crawling" by Linkin' Park is one of my favourite songs and it is just now that I realise it is about domestic violence. I also just realise that abuse does not only happen in a violence free environment. There is usually at least emotional abuse which is really hard to detect involved but often physical violence as well. My father beat me. Not very often but it just topped everything else.

If you want to know more about the song and find the link to the youtube video have a look here

Songfacts

I found a new list....

2011-08-25T11:39:00.000+01:00

... of songs that deal with abuse and domestic violence. I do not know why but it seems to help in one way or another to listen to those songs and it is also a means of getting the message through. There is abuse out there and it is not the dark stranger waiting in the bushes who does it. It is friends, fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts.......

Here is the link http://www.songfacts.com/category-songs_that_deal_with_child_abuse_or_domestic_violence.php

link thanks to http://www.songfacts.com/

A warm welcome...

2011-08-25T11:17:00.001+01:00

to Alias Chase. Nice to have you here!

My internet ....

2011-08-24T19:53:00.000+01:00

....did not work yesterday so unfortunately I could not write anything. Maybe I needed a bit of a break. Today is Wordless Wednesday so there will be news from me tomorrow!

And today's Wordless Wednesday goes to Write to survive

Wordless Wednesday

Be blessed!

2011-08-22T16:31:00.002+01:00

Am I winning?

2011-08-21T20:04:00.000+01:00

Yesterday it seemed to get really bad with Depression when I was supposed to go to work. A stressful shift ahead of me and I felt like being in the deep end. But then I thought:" Think woman! You do not want to go there again. What can you do?"

What came to mind was: Expressing my gratitude for the good things in my life. I had to think a bit to find things that I am grateful for but it got me back in a good mood just to search for them. And today I feel a lot better.

Even though we usually think we can not do anything against depression it has a lot to do with how we think. That is what Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy taught me. Well I am determined to put it into practise and not give depression 1 inch of my life.

For now I have won. But the fight goes on!

It's starting again!

2011-08-20T07:50:00.000+01:00

Two days ago I wrote to a friend that I am not looking forward to autumn as it is usually the time when depression comes back. I usually use St. Johnswort to deal with it but it is not possible to buy it here any more.
On that day I realised that things are getting hard for me to do. I find it hard to go and have a shower, to cream my body afterwards, to read, to write and I thought "this is how it starts. I have to be careful!" And today I woke up and my mood was just down. I am not sure if saying good bye to my friend had an effect as well as the symptoms started earlier.

I were in bed and though: "How do I deal with this?" Then I remembered that my way of thinking has a lot to do with depression. But I can not remember more of the Cognitive-behavioural-Therapy. I decided to go back into the online program and work through it again as much as necessary.

Another thing that stroke me was that I had a week where I was really organised, got everything done I wanted to and felt really happy. And then it starts again! That is how it was every time. It is a bit like I feel the need to punish myself for being happy. But I am not giving in this time.

I also wondered if it is not only outside factors that triggers it. Maybe it is genetic and I just have to put up with it. Well, I will see.

Am sad!

2011-08-19T20:22:00.000+01:00

I had to let a friend go. She is a very strong woman, very creative and does everything for her three daughters but our relationship somewhere went out of balance. Whatever I have done she criticized it or made me feel guilty. She has done this and that. Why can't I do the same. I constantly disappointed her and for a long time I tried to explain to her but she just did not listen. She is on the way of healing herself but she expects a lot from other people while not giving the same to them and today it got too much and I said or more wrote good bye.
All started last autumn and I soon had the feeling that I have to let her go but we have come a very long way together and she is a great person and so it was very difficult to do that step. But I feel I have done the right thing. It is hard even though :-(

Comfort food

2011-08-18T20:16:00.000+01:00

Comfort food has a bit of a bad reputation as we tend to eat it in excess.
But I really could not do without a proper apple-crumble, cheese and potatoe pie or pecan/toffee ice-cream ever now and then.
There is a trick though. I do not know when I started it but at one point I just concentrated on the food. I really tasted every single mouthful I ate. Let the ice-cream slowly melt or tasted all the different flavours in the ice-cream or the crumble. This comforted me a lot more than stuffing my face with loads of food. I just need a small portion but with concentrating on it it feels more, I feel when I am full and WOA the taste!

Picture Gratitude to http://ookaboo.com/o/pictures/picture/12312302/Its_the_picture_of_Italian_icecream_in_a

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-17T13:40:00.000+01:00

Today's Wordless Wednesday is dedicated to the "Good Men Project"

A trial

2011-08-15T06:54:00.000+01:00

I have started the same blog on wordpress.com to find out if they give me a better way of working the blog. I will run both for a while and then decide with whom I want to stay. If you want to have a look - here is the link:

Healing from abuse on wordpress.com

The thing with the free will

2011-08-15T06:08:00.000+01:00

For many many years I have been wondering why some people who have been abused grow to become abusers themselves and why others become artists or social workers or...and help others to find hope and help.
If I have a look into my own life I can only say that there was a point in my life where I decided (probably not aware of it though) which way I wanted to go.

As a child I have been treating my younger brother pretty abusive as a reaction to my own abuse. He seems to have hated me for it ever since. He stopped having contact with me.

I behaved like that pretty much to the death of my mother. The day of her funeral was my decision day.
I had a nervous breakdown at the cemetery and my grandparents had to take me home. I felt that her death was my fault because a few months earlier I had promised to God to stop treating my brother bad to safe her life. And also the abusers told me that something bad would happen to her if I would tell anyone, which of course I had not. Still their threats had muddled with my young mind so much I could not see that fact.

I do not have words for the desperation, anger, frustration, fear and sadness I felt on that day. I started thinking about ending my life. I was not even 13 years of age.
I thought about getting a knife and cutting my wrists. I was alone at home everyone was at the restaurant to have the traditional coffee time to remember the deceased.

But suddenly something inside myself said:" NO!" Just a simple "NO"!
"It will be good one day!" From then on I turned my behaviour around. I tried to protect him and support him even though that did not happen directly. It was a very very long way. And I am sure my brother does not feel like I tried to support him at all. Feelings are a complicated thing really.

Well I decided to listen to that inner voice. Maybe it was God.
Maybe it was my higher self.
Maybe it was instinct.
I am sure the fact that there were people in my life who supported me and cared for me and my religious education had its part in it. But in the end it was me to decide to listen to that voice and concentrate on something positive. To concentrate on hope!

And I am sure everyone of us has that decision moment in their lives and we are free to chose which way we want to go!

My decision day was last Saturday 28 years ago. I have been writing about that day more than once lately because I have the feeling that I have achieved at last what I was hoping for. There are struggles still to come. You do not just lay trauma away like an old sock. Flashbacks, fears, protective behaviour needs time to change and some things are just who I am. They will never change. But it will be good at last!

another week over...

2011-08-13T06:44:00.000+01:00

..... and I realised that I haven't done my "homework" for the counselling.
I do not know when I start just had the initial meeting with my new counsellor. I was given the task to write down how I spend my days. Well I better start soon.....

Picture thanks to Isadora Goulden-Halton

simple wisdom?

2011-08-12T06:18:00.000+01:00

I just answered a comment from Prozacblogger and wrote that we only live exactly in this moment - not in the past - not in the future.

The longer I live the more I realise how true that is. Just now I am and just now I can make myself happy or unhappy. It is my decision how much I want my past to have an effect on my life now.

Well it is not that easy as we all know. Every second of our lives we have to decide how we react on what comes at us. And the feelings and flashbacks that come from past trauma are so powerful it is so hard to free ourselves from them. But maybe things get a lot easier when we respect this truth.

There is a power....

2011-08-11T05:49:00.000+01:00

..... behind respecting your inner child - an immense power!

To give him/her the attention and the care he/she never had empowers him/her an yourself!
It works exactly the same way like strengthening a "real" child: How wonderful to see the happy smile of your son, daughter, grand-daughter, grand-son, nephew, niece or inner child!

Home?

2011-08-10T08:52:00.000+01:00

I have left the place I was born and abused. I had to do that, cut most connections and be as far away as possible to heal. It is a lovely place where I was born. A little village surrounded by soft hills and lovely forests. But sometimes it seems to me that the lovely places are those where the worst things happen and they may happen as no one expects them there.

About every two years or so I go back to a town about 30 miles away from that place to see my granny. But even that is too close. Flashbacks start coming. My inner child freaks constantly and there is this soul deep mourning for a lost childhood.

Last time I went I have been in constant conversation with my inner child. I said to her how much I owe her for getting me out of there and for being so strong to survive. She was annoyed and scared. Angry that I dared taking her back and scared to see him.

But I promised her no matter what we would not have any contact with him. If he would turn up at my granny's house we would leave directly no matter what anyone thinks.

That calmed her own but I think she starts to see as well how strong she was.
I am proud of her and myself!